Road Trip!
by Topaz18
Summary: "Chell, I need you to take these androids as far away from me as possible!" Chell nodded slowly and gathered up the child-like androids. "Come on guys!" she exclaimed, "It's time for a road trip!" This is a vent that I wrote while on a real road trip. Remember, it's a vent, so don't blame me for tarantulas, creepy hotels, cat pies, or other random things that pop out of nowhere!
1. Part One

Road Trip

_Part One_

Wheatley read the sign aloud. "Stop... Aquatic... Hitch hiking? What does that even mean! There isn't any water around!" Wheatley gestured to the miles of desert around him, throwing his arms wide and hitting Chell in the face. "Wheatley..." Wheatley continued talking, "And I mean seriously, who wants to ride in boats? They're like-" "Wheatley!" "Large boring cars that float on water. Can't you just swim! It isn't that hard, I bet it isn't, because I haven't swam before and it looks pretty easy you just-" "WHEATLEY!" Wheatley turned toward the angry-faced Chell, a scared expression on his face. "Shut up, Space finally fell asleep." she whispered, pointing at a sleeping android in the back of the van. "I can't drive with both him and you rambling on about useless things, plus if you want to get on GLaDOS's good side, you should do your job and watch the androids!" Wheatley slowly nodded his head and turned his head to look back at the androids. He quickly did a head count. "Space, Rick, Fact, and Curiosity." He said aloud. "And?" asked Chell. "That's all! Can I-"  
"What? Where is Anger?" Wheatley looked around and shrugged. "I don't know." "Wheatley, you moron! You were supposed to keep track of them!" She swerved to the side of the road and jumped out of the car. She opened the passenger seat and flung Wheatley out. "You. Look for Anger." She said forcibly. "But-" "Now!" "Jees, I liked it better when you didn't talk..." He murmured. Chell shook her head and opened the side doors of the big van. "Everyone! Out!" Five androids crawled out of the back of the van. "Hey look! Space!" "Are we on an adventure? I have a black belt for adventuring-" "Why are we getting out? Is there a sandstorm? Where are we?" "Fact: we are in the Chihuahuan Desert. The Chihuahuan desert is the largest desert in the United States." "Grr... Ahh! Thhhh..." Chell counted five heads, and an expression of rage grew on her face. Wheatley stepped around the van, "Hey guys! I found this cool rock! Look, it's shiny!" He looked up from the rock and up to Chell's angered face. "Oh, I'll put it back, don't w-" "ARE YOU BLIND!" Wheatley stammered. "W-well I guess it isn't that shiny, bu-" "NOT THE ROCK YOU MORON!" "Not a moron" Wheatley looked at Chell innocently, trying to get on her good side. "That's it! You! Back of the car!" "But it's a van." "JUST GO!" Wheatley whimpered and crawled into the back of the van. The other androids watched in fear as Chell slammed the door closed. She turned to them calmly and said, "Now who wants the passenger seat?"

Chell drove peacefully down the road, glad that there were no more disturbances. Space was happily listening to a NASA program, Fact and Curiosity were happily chattering, Wheatley was unhappily complaining about how much suitcases smelled, and Anger was happily being angry. Everything was just per- THUNK! The van slowly chugged to a stop. What now? Chell checked the gas. Empty. She could've sworn that it was full just a couple of minutes ago. She did a quick head count. She counted five heads. "Where did Rick go?" asked Curiosity. Oh no. Chell jumped out of the car to see Rick outside with a screwdriver in his hand. "What are you doing?" Rick smiled his creepy smile. "Adventure!" Chell checked the gas tank. It was riddled with holes the exact size of the screwdriver. "Did you do this?" asked Chell. Rick grinned even wider, "Well, there just happened to be a mini dragon on the gas tank and it was about to breathe fire all over the gas tank. I, the most adventurest adventurer ever, saved all of your lives by taking this here sword," He waved around the screwdriver, "and stabbing that dragon." Chell shook her head and wished she could slap the imbecile. As she turned around to examine the damage, Chell heard a loud crash behind her. A large rock was turned on its side and Anger stood quite proud over it. Chell looked at him questionably. "Grrr... Ssspfftt... Hhhh..." Fact burst out laughing. "Now that's a good one there!" All of the other androids, used to laugh and call him names... Whoops. All of the other androids stared at Anger and Fact, other than Space, who, what a surprise, was staring at space. "Oh, I'm sorry; it seems that you don't have a database of every language invented. Fact: Anger said he felt like flipping a table, but since there were no tables around, he flipped a rock." Chell sighed and went back to examining the gas tank.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

The gas tank was patched up with nothing more than duct tape and spare wires, now all they needed was fuel. The Road trip Riders, as Rick had taken to calling them, had camped out on the side of the road. Since they were still in a mostly desert area, Chell could actually keep track on them while she was working. The sun was starting to set, and Chell was getting panicked. Where would they find gas? Chell examined her surroundings. There was nothing but dust, shrubs, androids, and dust. Wait... "Wheatley! Come here!" Wheatley hopped up, glad to be rid of watching Space spin in circles, any type of spinny motion made him dizzy. "Stand right here." Wheatley did as instructed. Chell pulled out a gas can and a large knife. "Hey... What are you going to do with tha- Ow! What was that for?" Chell stuck the pump into Wheatley's arm and watched as oil filled up the can. Chell blocked out Wheatley's complaining and watched it fill. As soon as the can was full, she yanked it out of Wheatley's arm, causing him to fall over backwards. Oops, she might've taken a little too much oil. She shrugged and pumped the oil from Wheatley's arm into the van. "Curiosity!" She called. "What is it? Is it an adventure? Whoa. Is he dead?" Chell shook her head, "No, please help me out him in the back of the van." "Okay!"

Wheatley awoke and sat up immediately, hitting his head on the top of the van. "Ow!" He exclaimed, rubbing his head. He looked around, noticing that he was in the back of the van... Again. Suddenly the van came to an abrupt stop, sending Wheatley flying to the back of the van, knocking him unconscious again...

Everything was good and calm again. Space was staring out the window, Wheatley was unconscious, Rick was strapped to the seat, Curiosity was asleep, and Anger and Fact were, well, singing. Sort of. "Thhh unnn tu uuu." "This one's too old!" "Thh Ccchhl hsss errr llld." "Achoo!" The sneezing woke Wheatley up. Or rather the amount of spit that Fact had produced that just happened to land on Wheatley's face woke him up. "Eww! What is this?" Anger and Fact just continued singing... "This one's too silly!" "Thhh ay ou uo ite." "I say!" Wheatley stared at them in confusion. "What are you singing?" Once again, the moron was ignored. "What about this one?" Suddenly he realized exactly what they were singing. "Oh..." He watched them sing for a while more that is until he couldn't help but join in.

Curiosity tapped on Chell's shoulder. "Yes?" "Hey, Chell, how do you spell murder?"

* * *

**A/N**

**Guess what? I actually started another story! But this time I know that I WILL finish it, because you know why? Just because! Just so you know, I apologize for the complete randomness and out-of-characterness. This is a vent that I wrote on a week-long road trip out of complete boredom, and I just randomly decided to make it an actual story.  
**

**Reference Points:  
**

**Stop Aquatic Hitchhiking was a sign on the side of the road while I was on a road trip. The shiny rock scene was my brother. The song that Fact and Anger were singing was "The Perfect Stallion" from MLP:FiM (Yes, I made Fact and Anger bronies, I sincerely apologize and I ask you to please remember this was all a vent, nothing more!) Curiosity's question was from my brother, he suddenly asked me how to spell murder and I was beyond freaked out.  
**

**So, I cut off this very long and boring author's note with a... Please Review!  
**


	2. Part Two

Road Trip!

_Part Two_

Chell pulled ovens van to a parking spot. "Okay, everyone, this is a dinosaur museum. This is the first stop of our trip, okay?" A chorus of Okays aroused from the back of the van. "Now, three rules. Rule number one: Stay together. Rule number two: Don't touch ANYTHING! Rule number Three: No singing. At all. Got it?"

...

Chell did a quick head count, then opened the doors to the museum. The androids walked in, all in awe at the huge prehistoric figures around them. Almost immediately, they all started babbling. "Fact: Dinosaurs are fictional." "No they're not!" "Diiiii jnuu thourr!" "How tall is that? Is it big? What's it called?" "DINOSAURS! DINOSAURS IN SPACE!" "I once rode a dinosaur and everything was on fire and-" Chell ignored them and talked to the woman at the front quickly, almost throwing the cash at her. The woman nodded and turned toward the group. "Hello, I am your tour guide for today, now who wants to see some dinosaurs?"

...

The woman came back with a terror striken expression on her face. "They're monsters! I can't stand another minute of them!" And with that she ran out of the museum, hands clutching her ears. The Rambunctious Robots, as Chell had taken to call them, came around the corner, babbling and laughing and chattering away, an ocean of noise.

The sun was getting dangerously close to the ground, and Chell still needed a place to stay. She pulled into a local hotel parking lot and looked around. All of the androids were either asleep or unconscious. Chell jumped out of the van, and as quickly as possible ran into the hotel. A manager was sitting at the desk, but before Chell could do anything, he spoke. "A-welcome to the hotel of California. Once you check in you may, never leave..." Chell immediately turned on her heel and ran out the door.

"I'm hungry!" complained Wheatley. All of the other former cores agreed and Chell pulled to a rest stop. All of the androids filed out and sat on the ground while Chell looked through the food in the back of the van. "Look a tarantula!" shouted Rick. Wheatley, Fact, and Rick immediately jumped back away from the giant spider. "It's going to eat us all!" exclaimed Wheatley. Space suddenly started singing. "The androids went on a road trip. Everything was space on the road trip. Until the tarantula came... AND ATE THEM ALL!" At that moment all of the androids stepped away. Rick suddenly had an idea. "Hey, guys, I wonder what will happen if I poke it with a stick!" He grabbed a stick and brought it closer, closer, cl- "Guys! I found some sandwiches!" Chell exclaimed, making all of the androids jump and Rick slammed the stick on the spider, cutting off one of its legs. The tarantula squealed and writhed around. That is when Chell saw the oversized furry arachnid. "Aww... It's so cute... Let's take it with us." She then grabbed a random clear jar and put the tarantula in it. "His name will be... Hmm... Any ideas?" "Terror?" "SPACE!" "Grrwll..." "Craig!" "What?" "Steve Irwin!" Chell looked at Rick, puzzled. "Steve Irwin?" He shrugged. Chell shook her head. "Well... Actually... That's a horrible name. How about... Spidey? Yeah!" Chell put her face up against the glass jar containing the spider. "Hello Spidey!"

"I think I'll order... Cat pie!" Everyone looked at Wheatley in confusion. "What? They exist! See!" He showed them all a picture of a cat sitting inside a pie.

"Hey, Chell?" asked Curiosity. "What?" "How do you spell grave?"

The Curious Crusaders, as Curiosity had taken to calling them, had rented a large hotel room. Everyone was sitting around doing nothing, as Chell had locked them in the room together since she had gone to the store. Curiosity was exploring all the cabinets, Rick was knee-deep in some adventure game, Space was reading a book about space, and Fact, Anger, and Wheatley were watching some random kids show on the TV. Suddenly, Wheatley had an idea. "Hey guys! Let's make cupcakes!"

...

"Hey guys! I found som-" Chell's jaw dropped to the ground as she saw the apartment covered in flour and frosting, along with six terrified androids.

Space was wandering around the hotel when he came to the place where they put all the brochures. He gasped as he saw one and he immediately grabbed it and took off to the room, waving it around and screaming. He shoved it in Chell's face and started going on about space. She quickly scanned over it, "Hmm... Seems pretty good. A space museum... Wait. It's in Pennsylvania. That's too far..." Space was heartbroken. "Noooo!"

The Wheatley Crew, as Wheatley called them, was in a gas station and were looking through the various wares. "Look!" shouted Wheatley, and before anyone could look, he ran off around the corner. Seconds later a giant panda walked around the corner where Wheatley had just disappeared. "I'm riding a panda!" shouted Wheatley. Everyone clapped and told him that he wasn't a moron and that he was the best android ever. Then, Wheatley woke up.

* * *

**A/N**

**Yay, it's Part Two in the I-really-don't-know-how-long-this-horribly-random-and-out-of-character-story-is-going-to-last story! Once again, I apologize for this story, it was just a vent!  
**

**Now for the List of References!  
**

**The Hotel that Chell entered and promptly ran out: The manager was singing "Hotel California" by the Eagles. The song that Space was singing when he saw the tarantula: He was singing a parady of "Tarantula" by BaratsandBereta from YouTube. Pennsylvania belongs to Pennsylvania. Annnnnddd... I think that's all...  
**

**So... Reviews are very, very, very appreciated (PLEASE REVIEW) and I will now wave goodbye to my computer which you will not really see or care about. Bye! *waves*  
**


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